This week, Lindsay and I are talking about that ever-present feeling of being too busy (is there any parent out there without a lot to do?), and how it impacts our happiness. After you watch, please leave us a comment! Does busyness impact your happiness? If so, what boundaries will you set (or “rules” will you make) to curb your busyness this week?
Special thanks to the Quality of Life Foundation, which made this series possible.
Cross posted from the Greater Good Science Center .
Even though it seems like everyone everywhere is promising something that will bring happiness, our kids aren’t happy.
Approximately 53% of college students display symptoms of clinical depression. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15 to 24, and the second leading cause of death for college students. And these statistics are getting worse.
We cannot look the other way and safely assume that our own children will be excluded from these statistics; the numbers are too high.
The problem is, we humans often don’t act, even when we know something is wrong. In one study, research subjects sat together in a room filling with smoke without doing anything. Here is how Chip and Dan Heath describe the experiment in Switch:
Some were left alone; others were put in rooms with two other students. As they filled out their surveys, a “crisis” emerged. Smoke began to pour into the room through a wall vent. The smoke continued to flow, in irregular puffs, until eventually the room was filled with haze. Of the students sitting in a room by themselves, 75 percent got up and found someone to alert about the smoke. But when three students were placed in the room at the same time, only 38 percent of the groups of three ever reported the smoke. They just sat there, inhaling the smoke, each individual’s inaction signaling to the other two people in the room that this smoke cloud isn’t such a big deal.”
More than half of our college students are depressed: This is a big deal. It is time for us parents to stop sitting around inhaling smoke, assuming that because everyone else is inhaling the smoke, the stresses of our lives are normal, that everything is okay. It isn’t okay; modern life is pushing us to the brink, and our kids along with us.
We need to push back. And the more of us who try to do something, the greater the chance that others will follow suit.
Our mission is to create a movement of parents who spread happiness by practicing simple skills that bring more joy into their own lives and into the lives of their children.
Will you join us? Instead of staring at each other, smelling the fire but not putting it out, here are 3 things you can do to change these trends:
Producing a sea change in our happiness may seem like a monumental undertaking, but actually, more often than not big changes come from a succession of small steps. Please join me in taking the first step!
Given that research shows that more “enrichment” activities do not further kids’ academic success, how can parents influence children’s academic achievement?
“After declining for decades, the amount of time that parents spent on childcare started to rise in the 1990s and then skyrocketed in the 2000s, especially among college-educated moms. Why? [Researchers Gary and Valerie Ramey] found a surprising answer: college. Specifically: the increased competition for kids to get into good colleges. These high-end parents weren’t simply babysitting; they were chauffeuring their kids to the kind of extracurricular activities that look good on a college application.”—from Freakonomics Radio, “The Economist’s Guide to Parenting”
Are you one of those parents who has been thinking about your kids’ schooling since birth? Are the researchers mentioned above talking about YOU? (If you’re not sure, here’s a litmus test: Does your baby have a onesie from your alma mater that reads “Class of 20XX”?)
Or maybe your kids are in high school, and you are starting to worry about their college prospects, perhaps even wishing that you’d started thinking about it all a bit earlier.
In my post before Labor Day I agonized over my kids’ after-school schedule, coming to the conclusion, thanks to the help of a handful of economists, that more “enrichment” activities do not further kids’ academic success.
Which begs the question: How can parents influence children’s academic achievement, besides by being intelligent and well-educated themselves? (The economists in this overview of the topic deem genetics the most robust predictor of academic success).
The economists, all concerned with raising their own children, clearly didn’t examine how happiness influences kids’ success (if they had, they would all be taking my online courses). They missed the good news: there are a plethora of studies which make it abundantly clear how to best help your children reach their potential in school, on the athletic field, and in virtually all of their extra-curricular pursuits.
Greater Good contributor Sonja Lubomirksy and her colleagues conducted an enormous meta-analysis of research (evaluating 200+ studies involving nearly 300,000 people) about success. This is what they found: “Happy individuals are successful across multiple life domains, including marriage, friendship, income, work performance, and health.”
Read more about this on my Greater Good Science Center post!
Stop rushing around. For one day, try not to hurry yourself OR your children.
Slowing down in our fast-paced world—even just for a day—can bring deep feelings of relaxation and joy. Take each moment just as it is today, being mindful of your thoughts and your emotions. Feel the urge to rush? Worry that you’re going to be late? Simply notice the anxiety that has washed over you, and bring your attention to your breath, focusing on a deep exhalation.
Often, greater attention to the present moment can help us stay focused on the task at hand, decreasing our need to rush from one thing to the next.
The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person who is doing it.”
– Chinese proverb
I often worry that my own kids are overscheduled—and as I posted about last week on my Greater Good blog, research has shown that more “enriching” activities for our kids does not necessarily lead to their greater success or happiness. I repeat: more does not equal better. Or happier. Or more successful.
But some activities, of course, are worth doing. My friend Katy put it this way:
My lucky kids have an avalanche of activities that they can pursue. Where should I draw the line between pushing my kids too much and providing them with too little encouragement to try out new things?”
When my own children’s schedule starts to feel hectic (for them or for me), I start asking myself these three groups of questions about each of their activities:
(1) Does my child really want to do the activity? Or is the activity I’m considering more what I want (e.g. a kid who learns to be a great team-player through years of organized sports) than what my kid wants (she is BEGGING for piano lessons, but would rather die than try out for soccer)?
(2) Am I being seduced by the idea that more skills and more achievements will bring greater happiness? Is there a chance this activity might actually lower well-being by cutting into too much free-play, sleep, or dinnertime? In other words, do my kids have some free-play time every single day? Are they getting enough sleep? Are we managing to eat dinner together 5 nights a week or more?
(3) Does this activity make ME more stressed, more anxious, or busy? Does it cut into MY happiness? Is there a way that I could make it happen without adding more to my plate?
I’m finding that very few activities meet those criteria, but when they do, they are worth it!
*One thing to do this week to make you happier: Evaluate each of your children’s activities: do they pass muster? Would you all be happier without one or more of them?
Take action: which activities meet all the criteria? Leave a comment below.
For more tips about how to be happier, and to raise happier kids, take my online class! (The irony of suggesting you do one more thing in this newsletter is not lost on me, by the way.)
Rest assured: my class is designed for BUSY parents who are looking for ways to bring more joy into their parenting. Do something for yourself that will have a happy effect on your whole family!
Welcome to our first video in a new series produced by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. I’m really excited to introduce Lindsay Reed Maines, my partner in this project.
This week, we are talking about the three main reasons that our own happiness as parents is important. I hope you’ll take the time to “schedule your bliss” after watching!
Cross posted from the Greater Good Science Center.
By guest blogger, Lynn Johnson. Lynn is the co-founder/owner of Glitter & Razz Productions, an Oakland, CA-based company that teaches and reinforces social/emotional skills to children through the creation and performance of original plays. The Go Girls! Project is their flagship program that includes camps, in-school & after-school classes, and workshops for parents and teachers that celebrate and support the magic and power of being a girl.
Deep down inside, you know what I’m talking about. Many of us, young and old, have that little voice inside of us that tell us “You are bad.” And it says it over and over again. Sometimes we know it’s not true. But, other times, we believe it. We call this voice the “Shame Monster.” And this monster of shame is particularly mean and scary in women and girls. We see girls as young as 5 and 6 years old already navigating the impossible task of trying to be perfect. These girls are already internalizing the messages, “Being a good girl means that you never do anything wrong,” and subsequently “If you ever make a mistake, it means that you are bad.”
If we allow our girls to let these Shame Monsters have power over them, we are enabling a situation that can lead to depression, anxiety, and lack of self-love. However, if we help our daughters recognize that they have more power than their Shame Monsters, we can help set them up to be happy, courageous, and creative girls who value themselves and who they are in the world.
What can we do to encourage our girls to love and celebrate themselves no matter what? Here are a few steps that might help:
Step 1: Acknowledge the existence of the Shame Monster. Although the Shame Monster does not actually exist in the physical realm, that doesn’t mean it is not real. Telling your daughter “Oh honey, it’s all in your head” doesn’t help because you are denying her very real feelings. Instead, say something like, “Do you ever hear a voice inside your head that tells you you’re bad? I understand. I hear that voice sometimes too.” Acknowledging and validating your daughter’s feelings is the first step in building trust with her around this issue. With this step, you are building the foundation for meaningful work.
Step 2: Make time to help her work through her feelings. Talking to your daughter about her Shame Monster may be difficult, even a little scary, for both of you. It’s hard for all of us to admit to, let alone discuss, the darker feelings that live in our internal worlds. But, research about shame teaches us that the only way for these feelings to go away is to share them with someone else. In that case, why not create opportunities for you and daughter to have these conversations in a loving and peaceful environment. Take some special one-on-one time with your daughter, especially if there are other siblings in the home. This could be at home with some music you both love in the background or perhaps out in nature. Spend some time writing together first. It is easier for some people to talk to others about challenging emotions once they have had time to express those feelings for themselves. You could use regular pieces of paper or perhaps your daughter has her own journal that she already feels connected to. Encourage the writing (or drawing if your daughter is younger) by starting with prompts like:
This last prompt opens the door to helping your daughter stand up to her Shame Monster. Like any good bully, the Shame Monster thrives on fear. You can encourage your daughter to use a calm, strong voice to face this bully and say “Please Stop.”
STEP 3: Use art and play to emphasize that ‘Mistakes Are Okay.” Art and play are how children process the world. It is in the realm of art and play that all children can learn the lesson that making mistakes is not only okay but a necessary component of growth and development. Some ways to teach this lesson in a playful way are:
STEP 4: Model for her by confronting your own Shame Monster. This may be the most difficult and yet, most crucial step. We know that our children do what we do more than what we say. If we are really going to help our daughters, it is important for us to confront those areas of our lives where the Shame Monster has a little too much power. The good news is that, when we do this work with our daughters, it gives us the space and permission to do the work for ourselves.
By guest blogger, Vanessa Van Petten, creator of RadicalParenting.com and author of the parenting book, Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?
Teens love their parents and deep down they want to get along and have a relationship that they can always count on. However, some things they do can drive their kids crazy…and even sabotage a good relationship.
1. Don’t Ask ‘Answer-Questions’
An Answer-Question is a question that already has the answer in it. For example, moms love to ask, “Don’t you think that girl Sheila is mean?” or, “Do you think you should do something about that very important extra-credit assignment?” Sometimes Answer-Questions drive us crazy because it makes us feel like our parents don’t think we know what to do, or belittle our opinions.
2. Comparing Us Hurts More Than You Think
Whenever a parent starts a sentence with, “Why can’t you be more like…” teens automatically cringe. Fill in the blank with perfect best friend, older sibling or a younger, more obedient version of Mom. Many parents don’t realize that comparing us to others makes us feel bad about ourselves and sends us the message that we should be less like ourselves and more like someone else—never a good feeling.
3. The Issues Are the Same, the Circumstances Are Different
We know that every parent was a teenager once—although it is sometimes hard to believe it. Even though all teenagers have some of the same issues, like dating, curfew, pressure at school and bullying, we want parents to know that the circumstances are different. Colleges are more competitive and technologies like Facebook and texting add a new layer of complication to teen relationships. Please don’t assume things are the same as they were when you were a teenager and talk to us about what is different.
4. Risk Is Tempting
Risk is much more appealing to us and this is backed by science. Researchers at University of Texas found that there are parts of the teen brain that are more tempted to take risks. Teenagers want their parents to know this so that parents can encourage positive risk-taking. Extreme sports, running for student government, going to a theme park these are all positive adrenaline producing activities that scratch that risk itch.
5. Just Because We Are Rolling Our Eyes, Doesn’t Mean We Aren’t Listening
We often pretend to not listen to our parents or care what they think, but we do. Don’t let our eye rolling, lackadaisical attitude fool you, we are often listening and what you say matters to us more than you think.
6. Social Rejection Is Actually Painful
Many parents do not understand why we care so much about what our friends think. Two researchers at UCLA discovered that social rejection actually registers as bodily injury or pain in the brain! There might not be that big of a difference between a punch and a catcall. For us when our friends disapprove or we feel socially rejected it can feel worse than a punch in the gut. So have patience with our obsession with friends and help us find great ones and balance social time with family time, work time and alone time.
In conclusion, ask your own teens what they wish you knew about them—they might surprise you. All of these tips come from my book that I wrote with my teen interns for parents. It’s called: “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded” and it offers a totally radical perspective for parents to connect with and build relationships with their teens and tweens. Please check it out!
