Author: Christine Carter

Day Dreaming 101

Ever feel like you’ve lost time and productivity because you couldn’t keep your mind from wandering? I can’t believe that I’m writing this, but perhaps you are doing it wrong.

Done right, day dreaming is one of the most productive things we can do, but we need to be strategic about it. When we give ourselves downtime to let our brains switch into mind-wandering mode–at a time when it doesn’t cost us what we are working on, like while we are running errands or exercising or eating lunch–we reap all the benefits of daydreaming detailed below. And we ALSO allow our minds to focus more fully when that is what we need to do.

Think of daydreaming and mind wandering like sleep: your brain needs a certain amount of it to function fully. If you aren’t getting enough sleep, you risk falling asleep in meetings and at other inopportune times. (I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. Once, when I was in my 20s, I fell asleep at a fancy dinner party, at the table — super embarrassing. Another time I fell asleep standing up on a train and was caught by a handsome stranger, which wasn’t so bad in the end, he later became a good friend.)

At any rate, daydreaming is similar: if you don’t get enough of it, your brain will do it at inopportune times. But when you let your mind wander strategically — for example, while you are waiting in line, instead of checking your email — you free up time for your brain to really focus on your most important work when you need it to.

Here’s the takeaway: Left to its own devices, our minds will wander about half the time. But strategic slacking can help us tame that mind-wandering mode, allowing us to focus when we need to. This means that one hour of focused work is worth two hours of normal-daydreaming-included-work, when you bring only 53% of your thinking to the task. Ever wondered what it really means to work smarter rather than harder? How, exactly, to accomplish more in less time? THIS IS HOW, people.

So even though daydreaming, mind-wandering, and slacking-off seem like the last productivity strategies you would ever want to employ, they are KEY TO FINDING FLOW. Daydreaming at work can be tough, though. Take a look:

And Another Thing:

Less obvious is the fact that constantly keeping yourself busy— or constantly checking your phone or social media feeds— is a numbing behavior. It makes it so that you can’t really feel the uncomfortable emotions that arise when you’re not doing anything “productive.” And here’s the thing about that: you can’t selectively numb your emotions. So if you numb guilt or boredom or anxiety, you’ll also numb excitement, or just straight-up happiness.

We only experience big joy and real gratitude and the dozens of other positive emotions that make our lives worth living by actually being in touch with our emotions—by giving ourselves space to actually feel what it is we are feeling. In an effort to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that “slacking-off” can produce (such as the panicky feeling that we aren’t getting anything done), we also numb ourselves to the good feelings in our lives. And research suggests that actually being present for what we’re feeling and experiencing in the moment—good or bad—is better for our happiness in the end.

So a major benefit of daydreaming is that it allows unprocessed emotions to come to the surface to be felt; we’ll dig into this more in Unit 6: FEEL. For now, know that if you want to be happy in life, it’s important to stop numbing your emotions all the time.

This post is from a series about “strategic slacking” from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

How to Keep Friendship from Fading

As an affectionate extrovert, I probably have always been a bit predisposed to creating “micro-moments of positive connection” with others. (If you aren’t sure what the heck I’m talking about here, read the previous post in this series.) But learning that making connections with others can actually help me have an easier day made me want to make an effort to connect with people around me even more often by simply saying hello and smiling at folks I’d normally just pass by. Knowing how critical eye contact can be for connection, I now try harder to look everyone in the eye. Knowing that we best communicate warmth and connection through touch, I’m likely to touch your arm while we are talking, or to rest my hand on your shoulder just before we part. Before I read all this research, I would actually resist hugging people when I thought it more socially expected to simply shake their hand—now I usually embrace my huggy-nature and just go for it.

What science teaches us, and what I’ve learned through experience, is that the positivity resonance between me and a stranger is surprisingly similar to that within our most intimate relationships. Biologically, we have basically the same reaction, and we reap similar physiological benefits when we connect with a stranger as when we connect with our best friend. The big difference is the frequency and speed with which we have micro-moments of “positivity resonance.” With a spouse, family member, or good friend, we have these moments more quickly and more often than with an acquaintance.

Another big takeaway for me is that our most committed relationships—our marriage, relationships with our closest family members, and best friends—are continually created and reinforced in real time by repeated micro-moments of love and care. We sometimes forget that marriage is not created by the wedding and that the ceremony when we make a lifelong commitment is, in some ways, nothing more than a couple of hours of amplified love. As such, that positivity resonance, however intensely felt in the moment, will fade until those moments are re-created.

All this is to remind us what we already know (but sometimes wish wasn’t true): Relationships need cultivating and tending. As Brené Brown writes:

Love requires tenacity and grit. It’s work. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. So when people say, “Love shouldn’t be this hard,” I think, Why not? We get so much from our most important relationships—it makes sense that we have to invest a lot of time, effort, and some serious self-reflection into them.

Whether or not we experience the things we do to cultivate our relationships as work or as play probably depends on our personality and on the particular relationship. The point is that the particular behaviors and actions we take—consciously or unconsciously— enable our relationships to flourish.

Some of the work we need to do is to recognize and cultivate the right environment for our relationships. The amplification of positive emotions has a few particular preconditions. Positivity resonance can arise only when we feel safe; that is the first precondition. If our system is alarmed, if the person we are with (even if it is a “loved one”) is threatening in any way or is triggering a fight-or-flight response in us, we will not experience a synchronicity of positive emotions or the benefits of love amplified.

The second precondition for positivity resonance is a physical connection. Our bodies and brains synch up by witnessing the non-verbal cues that come with a positive emotional connection, through eye contact, through unconscious mimicry of facial expressions, through our vocal tones, and through touch. So while we may feel a profound swell of love when we receive a love note from our spouse, our love is singular. It does not resonate between us; it isn’t amplified.

And there is a third thing: We need to create connections all the time.

These micro-moments of positive connection are like all emotions: fleeting. Connection between us and another is evoked, it arises, and it fades. When we think of love, we usually think of the bonds that are created through positivity resonance. But as the Buddhists say, the finger that points to the moon is not the moon; our marriages and commitments and genuine bonds of love are not the emotion of love itself.

Micro-moments of positivity resonance are tremendous and powerful resources that can, in fact, affect our future with our beloveds. When we experience the positive connection of amplified love, it increases the odds that we will respond positively in the future to the same person. This is why we can light up when we run into an old high school friend at the supermarket, connecting quickly and easily even though it has been a decade since we last saw each other.

This post is from a series about social connections from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

Performance Tip: Swap Stress for Courage

There you are, freaking out in front of your colleagues when you should be calmly giving a presentation. Or you’re sweating bullets in the ER, waiting for the doctor to bring you news about your daughter’s high fever. You know that descending into a full-blown fight-or-flight response is not going to help you here, and it’s just going to drain you, but what can you do?

Amazingly, we can actually shift our physiological stress response from “I’m freaking out right now” to “I’m facing a challenge right now.” When we do this, we actually prevent the deleterious effects of a fight-or-flight response.

Our bodies and minds are tightly linked. When we use our minds to “reappraise our stress response,” as scientists call it, from stress to challenge, we can actually change the typical physiological response itself from a stress response to a challenge response.

In a typical stress response, our heart rate elevates and our blood vessels constrict, which increases our blood pressure and decreases the efficiency of our heart. Anticipating defeat, our heart protects the cardiovascular system by contracting. In a challenge (or courage) response, the heart rate elevates but the blood vessels don’t constrict, which increases the efficiency of our cardiovascular system. Researchers have found that when people reframe the meaning of their physiological response to stress as something that is improving their performance, they feel more confident and less anxious. Moreover, their physical response to the stress actually changes from one that is damaging to one that is helpful.

How does this work? Through our emotions. When we are afraid, we trigger a physiological response, which is more often than not unhelpful and damaging. When we are courageous, we trigger a different, more constructive, response.

So sometimes the easiest thing in a difficult situation is to see our physical response as a sign that we are engaged and our body is helping us meet the challenge. Our heart is pumping more blood-sugar and oxygen to our muscles and brain so that we can respond more quickly.

Take Action
Practice swapping stress for courage now by planning for the next time you’re likely to get a little stressed out. What will you say to yourself?

Now, imagine yourself in that situation, and visualize yourself using the courage response.

This post is taken from “The Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. I’m sharing “lessons” from this online class here, on my blog. Want to see previous posts? Just click this The Science of Finding Flow tag. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

Quick Happiness Tip: Foster Curiosity

What are you curious about? What have you been meaning to look up? What is really interesting to you these days? Go ahead, Google it! Read that article of interest. Curiosity is a powerful positive emotion.

Fostering interest comes with a great bonus prize, too: It replenishes your energy. A series of studies show that experiencing interest, or working on an interesting task (even if it is hard), energizes people for the current task and for whatever they work on next.

by Christine Carter

Flow Class Activity: Do Nothing. (Really…NOTHING.)

If we want to be high-functioning and happy, we need to re-learn how to do nothing. When we feel like there isn’t enough time in the day for us to get everything done, when we wish for more time… we don’t actually need more time. We need more stillness. Stillness to recharge. Stillness so that we can feel whatever it is that we feel. Stillness so that we can actually enjoy this life that we are living. Stillness so that we can access our visceral knowledge, so that our brain can generate creative insights.

(I know you probably thought you were done with the strategic slacking unit, but…it’s baaaa-ack. Slacking is critical for accessing our visceral knowledge system, too.)

Here’s what you need to do in order to experience that stillness:

Nothing.

Well, not nothing: Keep breathing. Even if you are dying to get to the next unit, don’t go there yet. Take 20 minutes to unplug entirely: turn off computers and phones and anything that might alert you to an incoming communication. (As I hope you learned in Unit 3: DETOX, the world will not stop spinning if you disconnect for 20 minutes, but your head might.)

Sit in a comfortable position, or lie down. Now: Do nothing. Stare into space. If you start feeling bored or antsy, that’s normal. Just notice what you are feeling. If you start feeling sleepy, that’s okay; just notice if you are starting to fall asleep. Don’t judge yourself.

The good news is that by letting yourself get a little bored each day, or taking a breather to just be, without also doing anything, you open space for creativity and all your intuitive wisdom.

Join the Discussion

How did you feel when you tried this? Were you able to unplug for a full 20 minutes? What made it hard — or what made it easy?

This post is from a series about authenticity from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

The Key to Effective Apologies

People make mistakes in relationships all. the. time. Not just bad people, or weak people. All people. Our mistakes are what make us human. And even when we don’t think that we’ve made a mistake, other people will often find errors in our ways. We human beings are walking offenders.

Here’s the real question: If we’ve done something that offends someone else–whether or not we feel we are to blame–should we apologize?

YES.

I believe that it almost always serves our highest good to apologize if we’ve hurt or offended someone else–even if we think the offended person’s anger is unjustified, or if we have a perfectly good excuse for what happened. Or if our intentions were all good.

People make mistakes in relationships all the time. Not just bad people, or weak people. All people. #HowToApologize Share on X

Often, the impact of our actions is not what we intended. But here’s the thing: Impact matters more than intention. Our happiness is best predicted by the breadth and depth of our social connections–our relationships with friends, family, partners, spouses, neighbors, colleagues–and so broken or fraying connections are usually worth repairing.

We don’t repair a fissure in one of our relationships by ignoring it. (We have a saying in our family: You can sweep sh*t under the rug, but it is still going to smell.) And we don’t repair it by blaming someone else, or defending our actions. We initiate a repair by apologizing.

But all apologies aren’t created equal, of course. (All parents have watched children spit out a forced “SORRY!” and known it was worthless.)

So what makes a good apology? After studying that question extensively, Aaron Lazare developed perhaps the most robust criteria to date for effective apologies. Drawing on Dr. Lazare’s work, I’ve created the following three-step method for making a good apology:

Step 1: Tell them what you feel. (Just the remorseful feelings, please.)
Usually, we start by saying “I’m sorry” to express remorse. “I’m sorry” is more effective when we elaborate on our remorseful feelings. For example, “I’m so sorry and saddened to hear that my lack of communication has made you so angry and resentful.” Or, “I’m so sorry and embarrassed and ashamed that my comment caused such an uproar.”

What is not constructive is succumbing to–and sharing–feelings of resentment or defensiveness, like, “I’m sorry… you’re being so petty and critical.”

Step 2: Admit your mistake AND the negative impact it had.
This is the hardest part, because it requires admitting responsibility for our actions or behavior. This can feel impossible if we don’t really think we did much wrong, or if our intentions were good.

Ask yourself: How is the other person feeling? What did I do that caused that feeling? Could I have done something differently? Then acknowledge these things. Empathize with the offended person; the most important thing is that you demonstrate that you know how they feel. (Don’t apologize until you truly do understand how they are feeling; if you can’t put yourself in their shoes, your apology will ring untrue.)

For example: “I can see that my comment hurt your feelings, and that you are feeling misunderstood and uncared for.” Or to your partner you might say, “I know that it was wrong of me to call you out in front of the whole family, and that you are angry because I’ve hurt your credibility with the kids. I’m sure that was embarrassing, and it was a mistake for me to do that.”

This is where most of us are tempted to offer an explanation for our behavior. When in doubt, leave the explanation out; trying to explain away our actions can seem like we’re being defensive, or making excuses. (Remember, the point is to repair the relationship, not make the other person see that you were right.)

If you need to shed light on why you did what you did, be careful to continue to take responsibility for the negative impact you had. Saying, “I really didn’t know that you would be offended” is an excuse, not a good explanation. Whining that you didn’t intend for the other person to be hurt doesn’t shed light on anything. More effective would be saying, “It is no excuse for standing you up, but I want you to know that my stepfather had just had a stroke, and I was so frantic to get to the hospital that I forgot to call you.”

If you do offer an explanation, it can help to reiterate your mistake and again acknowledge how the other person feels: “Again, I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you, and that you were stuck there waiting for me for an hour. I can only imagine how upset, worried, and angry you must be.”

Step 3: Make the situation right.
Good apologies include a reparation of some kind, either real or symbolic. Maybe you create an opportunity for the person you embarrassed to regain credibility. Or perhaps you admit your mistake to others, too, as a part of the reparation. In many relationships, a hug is a great reparation.

Often, all we need to do is explain what we are going to do differently the next time so that we don’t repeat the offending action or behavior. This helps us rebuild trust and repair the relationship.

If you aren’t sure how to make it right, just ask, “Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?”

Above all, deliver on any promises you make. When we feel guilty or embarrassed, sometimes we over-correct in our attempt to gain forgiveness. If the person is asking for something that you can’t give, say so, and say that you will give some thought to what you can give to make it up to them.

Knowing how to apologize well is at the top of my Sweet Spot Manifesto. It’s a life skill I want my children to practice and master. And it’s one that I’m still working on myself.

Click here to download the 3 step apology PDF

This short video and post is from a series about social connections from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

The Great Happiness Amplifier

The advent of social media connections has introduced a lot of confusion when it comes to the strength of our social fabric and our ties to one another. Are we more connected now than ever before? Or is “connectivity” through electronics different from real, face-to-face or even voice-to-voice connection?

Our suspicion that our online connections are qualitatively different from our face-to-face interactions—that time spent communicating with our friends and family via text, email, and social media is different from time spent talking in person—is correct. We understand intuitively that something different happens within us when we communicate with someone in person.

That difference is something that Barbara Fredrickson calls “positivity resonance,” and it is nothing short of a positive emotion amplified into something bigger than it would be if we were alone.

Positivity resonance happens in a fleeting micro-moment of emotion as a trio of tightly woven events:

1. We share one or more positive emotions with another person.

2. Our biochemistry and body language synchronize with the other’s.

3. We care about each other and show a willingness to invest in each other’s well-being.

If I smile warmly at you, you can share in my positive emotion with me. A part of your brain will light up as though you’ve just smiled warmly yourself. In an instant, our brains synch up. Similarly, if I’m telling you a story and you are listening attentively, your brain activity will mirror mine strikingly. Much fuss has been made about mirror neurons, but new research shows that there is much more at work here than a few isolated mirror neurons firing in a single area of the brain. In fact, all your brain activity will be nearly the same as mine—something neuroscientists call “neural coupling.” (Those of you who are in touch with their inner adolescent can stop snickering now.)

Note: Neural coupling occurs between all sorts of people, not just couple types. It’s not just about lovers or people in established relationships.

We understand the emotions of those we are with through this synchronicity. When I smile at you or laugh, you understand what my smile or my laugh means because your facial muscles fire in imperceptibly tiny ways, mimicking my expression, and stimulate the emotion in your own brain. So if I laugh derisively, you “intuitively” know my laugh is mean because you actually experience the emotion yourself, right then. If instead my laugh is an expression of genuine mirth, or my smile an expression of authentic joy, you feel this as well. Understanding other people’s emotions “is not just abstract and conceptual,” Fredrickson explains; “it’s embodied and physical.”

Our shared emotion leads to a shared physiology. Our heart rates and breathing will slow together and start to synchronize. This internal activity leads to external behavior changes. People who are experiencing a positive connection—positivity resonance—start to unconsciously mimic each other in their body language. And studies show that positive emotions literally open our hearts; they expand the part of our rib cage that houses our heart, lifting and expanding our chest cavity. This unconscious gesture makes us more inviting to others and more open for connection, explains Fredrickson, and signals to others that they, too, can relax.

People experiencing “positivity resonance” are actually doing a synchronized dance. They are one unit rather than two separate individuals. This positivity resonance is different from the love or affection or compassion we feel when we are alone, or even when we receive a sweet text from a friend or a lover. When positive emotion resonates back and forth between two or more people, it is amplified. It grows bigger than it would if we were alone.

by Christine Carter

Welcome to Unit 3

This post is taken from The Science of Finding Flow, an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less.

“When was the last time you checked your email, messages and social media feeds? How much time do you spend each day checking?”

by Christine Carter

Activity #1: Listen to Your Body

Just because our intuition and visceral knowledge doesn’t speak to us in words doesn’t mean that it isn’t speaking to us all the time — through our bodies.

Try listening to the feedback that your body is giving you right now. Say something really untrue out loud, preferably to someone else. Try something like “I love it when my boss humiliates me in front of my team,” or “I adore having the stomach flu.” Then notice: how does your body react? The response will likely be ever so slight: a miniscule pulling back; or tensing of your jaw; or a tiny shoulder raise. When I say something that my unconscious mind hates, my body tries to tell me through a little heaviness in my stomach. If I spend too long doing something that feels wrong for me, I end up with a stomachache.

Now try saying something out loud that is true for you, and notice your body’s reaction. Try something like “I love the ocean,” or “I love the feel of my baby’s head on my cheek.” How does your body respond? When I say something that is very true for me, or when someone else says it to me, I get “chills of truth”—the hair literally stands up on my arms. And if I’m grappling with something hard, but the right answer comes up for me, I get “tears of truth.” Tears that tell me that something is profoundly true feel qualitatively different than the tears that come from grief or hurt.

What is true for us tends to make us feel stronger and more free. And lies tend to feel like constraint and constriction — our shoulders ache, our back hurts, or our stomach churns.

Join the Discussion
How did it go? How does your body react when you say something untrue? How does your body feel when you say something true? Share your reactions with the class.

This post is taken from “The Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. I’m sharing one “lesson” from this online class per week here, on my blog. Want to see previous posts? Just click this The Science of Finding Flow tag. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

Finding Inspiration and Awe

In our rigorous pursuit of happiness, we often forget that inspiration—along with its cousins elevation and awe—are positive emotions that make us feel more content, joyful, and satisfied with our lives. YouTube and Facebook are nearly endless sources of videos that have the potential to move and inspire us (and, I know, also ones that don’t). For example, I made this video to inspire people to pursue the things that really make us happy. Similarly, the walls in my office, bedroom, and kitchen are covered in quotations and poems that inspire me. (Called “Thursday Thoughts;” they, too, are posted on my blog.)

Awe comes with a wonderful bonus: It can make you feel less pressed for time and less impatient. Since time pressure and impatience can make your ratio of positive to negative emotions go in the wrong direction, it seems that there is always a two-for-one special running in the awe department.

You can awe yourself with a grand landscape or by reading about a mind-expanding theory or by contemplating something that changes the way you think about the world. Researchers induce awe in volunteers fairly simply by showing them video clips of people facing awesome things like waterfalls and whales or by having them write about something that was vast and altered their perception of the world.

Once you find sources of inspiration and awe, connect to them regularly. Again, one size doesn’t fit all. If it is your church, make sure you show up on Sunday. If it is your study group, stay involved. If it is nature, schedule regular hikes. If it is a guided meditation, listen daily. You get the point.

Along the same lines, optimism, hope, faith, excitement, and confidence are also all positive emotions that can dramatically improve our ratios of positive to negative emotions. Happy anticipation, or excitement, is a particularly easy-to-access positive emotion: Plan something fun for next week or later this season, and then do something to build excitement. For example, if you are going to a sporting event or play with a friend, send your friend an “I’m so excited!” email, or let yourself read a review or article about the team or event. Studies show that positive anticipation can bring us as much or more pleasure than the actual event itself!

This post is from a series about flourishing from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!