Author: Christine Carter

Happiness Tip: Send Well Wishes

When I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed or just a little sorry for myself, I make a conscious effort to think like a giver. I imagine helping someone else, or I remember a time when I was acting less self-centered and more helpful, or I simply send loving thoughts to others.

The power of well-wishes

When Barbara Fredrickson and her colleagues want to study what happens when people increase their daily diet of love, they simply ask people to do a loving-kindness meditation once a day. Also called metta, loving-kindness meditation is the simple practice of directing well-wishes toward others. This is a private, quick, no-contact-with-others way to feel more connected and loving. This stuff is more effective than Prozac for many people.

Over a nine-week period, research showed that metta substantially increased people’s experiences of positive emotions. Loving-kindness meditation puts people on “trajectories of growth,” leaving them better able to ward off depression and “become ever more satisfied with life.” More than that, though, doing a simple loving-kindness meditation can make us feel less isolated and more connected to those around us. One study showed that a single seven-minute loving-kindness meditation made people feel more connected to and positive about both loved ones and total strangers, and more accepting of themselves. (Imagine what a regular practice could do!)

Follow along and practice with me.

LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION AUDIO (MP3)

You can use metta throughout the day as a tactic to increase your feelings of well-being, compassion, and connection. Perhaps put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator door or car dashboard— wherever you tend to be most exhausted or overwhelmed or isolated—to remind you to pause and cultivate a loving thought or two.

This post is from a series about social connections from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

Where Creativity Comes From

So what is actually happening in your brain when you stare into space, or when you let your mind wander? Turns out, a LOT.

We may think—mistakenly— that nothing important is happening in our heads when we aren’t consciously doing something; when our mind is wandering away from the task at hand.

But actually, our brain lights up like a Christmas tree when we’re daydreaming. Many regions in the brain become active—far more than when we are focusing.

Take a look at these images. In this one, you can see a comparison of when a mind is wandering (top 3 images), compared to when the subject’s brain was focusing on solving a problem (bottom 3 images).

The yellow and orange areas of this fMRI image indicate active areas of the brain. As you can see, far more of the brain is more active when we daydream than when we focus on a problem. What is fascinating to me about these images is just how much of the brain is working when we daydream, and the diversity of brain regions that come online when we aren’t consciously thinking about or working on anything.

When we daydream, or relax our focus, our brain begins drawing connections between all the things that it previously didn’t see as all that connected. Importantly, the brain networks that are responsible for creative insight come online.

There’s a neuro-biological story behind this. We have two primary attentional networks in our brain: task positive and task negative, and they function like a see-saw in that only one is active at a time.

When we are focused on something, or using our willpower to do something, the task-positive attentional network is ON. (And the task negative — mind wandering, daydreaming, “time wasting” –network is OFF.) We give credit to our task-positive attentional network for all the great work we do in the world. When we are focused, we write books. We build bridges. We raise children. Our culture tells us to focus, and that that’s the only way to get anything done around here.

“As a society, we don’t just need to learn to tolerate stillness, we actually need to cultivate it.”

But when you’re staring out the window, out into space, relaxing, or driving but not listening to the radio and you let your mind wander, the task-negative brain becomes active. All those neurons start making connections between things you didn’t see before, usually at an unconscious level. This is where our creative insight comes from. We can’t solve problems or do much of anything without the insights that come from that downtime. We certainly can’t fulfill our potential without filling our need for creative insight, without nurturing our ability to draw connections. This is why we often get our best ideas in the shower…it’s the only remaining place in the world where we let ourselves do nothing!

All of this explains other research that shows that conscious, effortful thinking does nothing to improve creativity, or to help people come up with innovative solutions to problems. For example: When researchers give people a task that requires creativity (such as instructions to come up with a list of ways to use a brick), people don’t generate longer or more creative lists if they have a few extra minutes to think before they start.

For example: When researchers give people a task that requires creativity (such as instructions to come up with a list of ways to use a brick), people don’t generate longer or more creative lists if they have a few extra minutes to think before they start.

What does help? Spending those few extra minutes not consciously thinking about the task, by diverting the research subjects’ attention with an unrelated task. This then gives the insight-generating part of the brain time to get to work making connections. Those new connections are, essentially, innovations that improve our performance on creative tasks.

Here’s what I want you to take away from all of this:

Creative insight is at the very heart of the sweet spot–that place of both power and ease, that place where we humans hit our home runs. Nothing is easier than an “aha moment” that pops effortlessly into your awareness, and nothing is more powerful.

What this means is that you will not find your sweet spot, or find flow, or do your best work, without cultivating stillness in your life, without spending a good part of each just staring into space.

That’s such a counter-culture notion that many people feel guilty and anxious staring into space. We feel important and productive when we are busy, and insignificant and lazy day dreaming. But to be successful, we don’t just need to learn to tolerate stillness, we actually need to cultivate it.

This post is from a series about “strategic slacking” from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

Here’s What Happens When We Aren’t Authentic

We live in a world where it’s totally socially acceptable to pretend, to “fake it ’til we make it,” and even to tell white lies. In some ways this works for us. As Martha Beck wisely says, “Duplicity can make it easier to get what you want, unless what you want is health and happiness. Duplicity sucks at that.”

Here’s why, in the end, pretending isn’t as effective as authenticity, not just for our health and happiness, but for helping us accomplish our goals:

#1: Pretending doesn’t fool people. Say you don’t want to reveal to your co-workers that you and your significant other had a major fight over the weekend, and you’re feeling really blue. Research shows that if you pretend that you had a great weekend and you’re feeling great–and you’re not–you’ll probably make the people around you feel worse, too. Why?

We humans aren’t actually very good at hiding how we are feeling. We exhibit microexpressions that the people we are with might not know they are registering but that trigger mirror neurons—so a little part of their brain thinks that they are feeling our negative feelings. So trying to suppress negative emotions when we are talking with someone—like when we don’t want to trouble someone else with our own distress—actually increases stress levels of both people more than if we had shared our distress in the first place. (It also reduces rapport and inhibits the connection between two people.)

#2: You’ll find it harder to focus. Pretending takes a huge conscious effort—it’s an act of self-control that drains your brain of its power to focus and do deep work. That’s because performing or pretending to be or feel something you’re not requires tremendous self-control.

Tons of research suggests that our ability to repeatedly exert our self-control is actually quite limited. Like a muscle that tires and can no longer perform at its peak strength after a workout, our self-control is diminished by previous efforts at control, even if those efforts take place in a totally different realm. So that little fib at the water cooler you told in order to make yourself seem better than you are is going to make it hard for you to focus later in the afternoon. A performance or any attempt to hide who you really are or pretend to be something you aren’t is going to make it harder later to control your attention, your thoughts, and to regulate your emotions. It’ll increase the odds that you react more aggressively to a provocation, eat more tempting snacks, engage in riskier behaviors, and—this one is pretty compelling to me—you’ll perform more poorly on tasks that require executive function, like managing your time, planning, or organizing.

#3: You’ll become more stressed and anxious. Let’s just call it like it is: pretending to be or feel something that you don’t is a lie.

And lying, even if we do it a lot, or are good at it, is very stressful to our brains and our body. The polygraph test depends on this: “Lie Detectors” don’t actually detect lies, but rather they detect the subconscious stress and fear that lying causes. These tests sense changes in our skin electricity, pulse rate, and breathing. They also detect when someone’s vocal pitch has changed in a nearly imperceptible way, a consequence of tension in the body that tightens vocal chords.

The physiological changes that lie detectors sense are caused by glucocorticoids, hormones that are released during a stress response. And as I’m sure you well know, stress hormones are bad news for your health and happiness over the long run.

Research shows that people who are given instructions for how to lie less in their day-to-day lives actually are able to lie less, and when they do, their physical health improves. For example, they report less trouble sleeping, less tension, fewer headaches, and fewer sore throats. These improvements in health are likely caused by a lessened stress response.

And that’s not all: When the people in the above study lied less, they also reported improvements in their relationships and less anxiety.

We don’t lie or pretend or perform all the time, of course. But when we do, it’s important to see the consequences: increased stress, decreased willpower, impaired relationships.

These tactics to feel better—lying, pretending, and numbing our emotions—always backfire in the end. They make life hard, eliminating any possibility that we will find our flow, or that we will be able to operate from our sweet spot, that place where we have both EASE and POWER.

Numbing, pretending, or fibbing in any way is an act of not feeling what you really feel. It’s a denial of your own authenticity, of who you really are.

This post is from a series about authenticity from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

Wrapping Up Unit 8

“The more connected you feel, the happier and more successful you are likely to be.”

Join the Discussion
What worked best for you in this unit? What made you feel happiest? What deepened your sense of connection to your friends, coworkers, community, and family? Finally, is there an area where you are stuck? Take a minute to connect with THIS community by sharing your experience and asking for support where you need it.

This short video and post is from a series about social connections from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

What Science Shows Happy Couples Do

This video is the 4th in a series about the science of great relationships from the Raising Happiness Homestudy. This week, why not do some of the things that happy couples do?

- Plan out your “magic 5 hours a week.” This printable page is kind of ridiculous, but I love it because it reminds me what to do.

- Celebrate something with your partner (more info here about the type of enthusiasm that builds relationships).

- Talk about the ways that you expand each other. (If you’d like, take the quiz I refer to in the above video.)

- Cultivate (or nurture) your positive illusions about your partner. In what ways are they above average? Write a 6-word love note to your partner here.

Life’s short and we never have enough time for the hearts of those who travel the way with us. O, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind.”
–Henri-Frederic Amiel

If you would like to download the audio version of this video to listen to in your car or on the go, click the link below.
DOWNLOAD THE AUDIO VERSION HERE.

by Christine Carter

Happiness Tip: Smile at the Barista

Did you know that research show that a even brief connection with a stranger can make us happier? In one study, researchers randomly assigned volunteers to talk to the stranger who sat down next to them on the train during their morning commute. Pretty much no one thought that they were going to enjoy giving up their morning solitude to make small talk with someone they didn’t know and would probably never see again. But guess what? The volunteers enjoyed their commute more than the people in the study who got to read their books and finish their crossword puzzles in silence. What’s more, not a single study participant was snubbed. Other research indicates that the strangers being chatted up in public spaces similarly think they won’t want to talk, but then end up enjoying themselves.

In another study, researchers measured how much participants enjoyed interacting with people they barely knew, and how much they enjoyed connecting with loved ones. Turns out that interacting with both types of people made both introverts and extroverts happier—and the more social interactions they had, the happier people were.

Yet another series of studies produced similar results. Researchers sent people into a Starbucks with five dollars each to buy themselves a latte. Half were instructed to get their beverage as fast as they could, to “get in, get out, go on with the day.” The other half were instructed to “have a genuine interaction with the cashier”—to smile and initiate a brief conversation. The folks who smiled at the barista left Starbucks feeling more cheerful. In the words of the study authors Michael Norton and Elizabeth Dunn: “Efficiency, it seems, is overrated.”

Here is your challenge, should you choose to accept it:

Every day in the coming week, slow down just enough to make eye contact with someone, smile, and, if you’re feeling brave, start a little conversation. Research shows that even just acknowledging someone else’s presence by making eye contact and smiling at them helps people feel more connected.

by Christine Carter

How to Emotion Coach Kids

Patience, n.
A minor form of despair disguised as virtue.
–Ambrose Bierce

Welcome to Theme 4 of the Raising Happiness Homestudy. In this theme you’ll learn how to tackle two common situations in which kids tend to need coaching:

1) When they are feeling (and often acting) badly, and
2) When you need them to do something, like their homework or the dishes.

The video in this post is about becoming an “Emotion Coach.” What do we do when our kids have an emotional outburst?

Parenting Practice: Emotion Coaching

We can practice emotion-coaching with the good, the bad and the ugly emotions in our household. Think of a situation where you can bet there are going to be unpleasant feelings, and practice what you will say.

First: Does your child need to calm down before you address the feelings and behavior at hand? If so, please help them do that before you start emotion coaching them. A little time alone (my kids draw or read in their rooms; other kids might want to take a walk or kick a ball around outside) can do wonders.

When you are ready to start coaching, here are the three steps:

1) Label and validate the feelings at hand. Before you try to do this, make sure that you are empathizing as much as possible with your child.

2) Set limits around bad behavior. Remember, all feelings are always okay, but bad behavior is not excusable.

3) Problem solve. How can your child deal with similar situations again in the future? What have they learned? How can you help in the heat of the moment the next time?

What questions do you have about how to emotion coach? Use the comment box below.

If you would like to download the audio version of this video to listen to in your car or on the go, click the link below.
DOWNLOAD THE AUDIO VERSION HERE.

This video is the 1st in a series about boosting emotional intelligence from The Raising Happiness Homestudy. Check out the rest of the Homestudy here .

by Christine Carter

The Secret to Happiness at Work

So what does the “real ideal worker” ACTUALLY look like? If you’re finishing this “The Science of Finding Flow” online class, I’m guessing you know by now, but still, I’m so glad you asked.

The “real ideal worker” has 7 core qualities or skills, listed below. But before I lay them out for you, let’s remember: Those of us who cultivate these qualities are more than workers, of course.

We are the joyful people who are fulfilling our potential for creativity, productivity, intelligence, and —most importantly— meaning, fulfillment, and connection in our lives. We are the people who actually enjoy the lives that we’ve worked so hard to create. We also happen to be very good at our jobs.

You are now a part of this tribe.

1. We are able to do our most important work first. We work hard to decide what our priorities are. We seek to understand what work and relationships bring us meaning and fulfillment, and we schedule our time and our tasks accordingly. We understand the positive impact we are having on the world and other people, and this provides a tremendous source of energy and motivation.

2. We command our own attention. In a world where corporations pay by the eyeball to capture our concentration and interest, we are able to build a fortress against all that interruption. We know how to handle temptations. We use our computers and tablets and smartphones strategically rather than compulsively, as tools that make us more efficient, effective, connected, and creative—not more distracted and drained.

3. We think deeply. Business writer Eric Barker calls this “the superpower of the 21st century.” Georgetown professor Cal Newport writes in his treatise on focus, Deep Work, that “the ability to perform deep work is becoming increasingly rare at exactly the same time it is becoming increasingly valuable in our economy. As a consequence, the few who cultivate this skill, and then make it the core of their working life, will thrive.”

4. We effortlessly generate creative insights. We love to find innovative solutions to real-world, unpredictable problems. We value the activities that lead to creativity in a world that thinks we are behaving like children and slackers. We have the courage to nap, play, and stare into space while everyone else skips their lunch break in order to check their email.

5. We are authentic and emotionally courageous. We are willing to feel what we feel, and this gives us access to the wisdom of our hearts. We are tapped into the power of our intuition, which speaks to us in emotions and bodily sensations. And because we are willing to experience difficult emotions, we are gritty—we are able to persist despite difficulty toward our long-term goals. We are able to take risks, have difficult conversations, and stay true to what we know is right.

6. We are flourishing. We understand that cynicism is a marker of fear, not intelligence, and that when we prioritize positivity in our lives—when we consciously cultivate gratitude and love, happiness and peace, awe and inspiration, optimism and faith—we broaden our perception in the moment and build resources over time. Our ability to foster positive emotions allows us to access our most high-functioning, creative, and intelligent selves. We are more engaged with our work, our friends, our families, and our communities than our less positive peers.

7. We are connected. We understand the transcendent importance of our relationships, and so we cast the net of our real-life friends and family both wide and deep. We are less likely to experience sadness, loneliness, low self-esteem, and problems with eating and sleeping than people who keep others at a distance. We are the strangers on the street who smile at you. We are the people you ask for favors, because we love to help out. We are your best friends, because we know how to build—and repair—our relationships.

We are the people who know how to find flow. Welcome to the tribe!

This post is from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

Why Happiness Makes Us More Intelligent

When we are happy, we are more creative and motivated, more productive and skilled socially. This means that when we are joyful—or experiencing even a mild positive emotion—we are far more attuned to context. This broadened perception opens up our sweet spot: that place where we experience the least stress, the greatest intellectual power, and the most sophisticated social skills.

This short video is from a series about flourishing from the “Science of Finding Flow,” an online course I created as a companion to my book The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less. Want to go on to the next class or start the course from the beginning? It’s free! Just go to The Science of Finding Flow course page. Enjoy!

by Christine Carter

The Problem with Rewards

This video is the 2nd in a series about boosting emotional intelligence from The Raising Happiness Homestudy. Check out the rest of the Homestudy here .

Parenting Practice: Cut out the Bribes, Threats & Rewards

Pick a situation that you’d like to change in your household. Would you like more help with the cooking, for example? For your children to keep the living room clean? For now, just start noticing when you use if-then statements or rewards to motivate your kids. You can also start to try out something different. For example, instead of using a bribe or a threat, ask them a question like “What’s your plan for getting your work done?” Note what happens. The next video gets into even more specifics about what to do instead of using threats and rewards.

This goes for allowance, too: no more tying kids’ chores or behavior to their allowance. I know that the theory behind rewarding kids sounds good — the real world has reward systems, for crying out loud! — but the science of motivation has proven otherwise. Kids get allowance for reasons beyond doing their chores (to learn to manage their money, for example) and they do their chores because they are a contributing member of the family (rather than simply to get their allowance).

I’ve received a lot of questions about what exactly constitutes a bribe, reward, or threat over the years. What questions do you have? Leave it in the comments below, and I will answer there!

If you would like to download the audio version of this video to listen to in your car or on the go, click the link below.
DOWNLOAD THE AUDIO VERSION HERE.