Loving-kindness meditation does far more than produce momentary good feelings.

Research convincingly shows that it actually puts people on “trajectories of growth,” leaving them better able to ward off depression and “become ever more satisfied with life.” This is probably because it increases a wide range of those resources that make for a meaningful and successful life, like having an increased sense of purpose, stronger social support, and less illness. Research even shows that loving-kindness meditation “changes the way people approach life” for the better.

Moreover, doing a simple loving-kindness meditation can make us feel less isolated and more connected to those around us: one study showed that a SINGLE SEVEN MINUTE loving-kindness meditation made people feel more connected to and positive about both loved ones and total strangers, and more accepting of themselves. Imagine what a regular practice could do!

To deepen your understanding of the benefits of mindfulness and meditation in your parenting, register for my Mindful Parenting class.  We’ll cover how to kickstart a mindfulness practice in your life, strategies that you can use immediately and offer resources for further practice.

We know intuitively that how happy we are—in a relationship or otherwise—affects our children.  Our emotions are contagious, and so when a romantic partner loves us unconditionally, the happiness and security that love brings can spill over, to our children’s benefit.  Romance also has the potential to make us better parents: positive emotions (like love) and the social support of a partner can make us warmer and more responsive to our children.

An interesting study presented at a meeting of the American Psychological Association by Robert Epstein and Shannon Fox shows this to be true in a different way.

The researchers compared the effectiveness of 10 important parenting practices and skills; for example, they examined how well parents reported supporting their children’s education, and to what extent they provide educational opportunities for them.  Here are the top three most important “parenting competencies,” as reported by Epstein in Scientific American Mind, in terms of their influence on kids’ health, happiness, and school success, as well as the quality of the parent’s relationship with their children:

1. Love and affection.  You support and accept the child, are physically affectionate, and spend quality one-on-one time together.

2. Stress management. You take steps to reduce stress for yourself and your child, practice relaxation techniques and promote positive interpretations of events.

3. Relationship skills.  You maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse, significant other and/or co-parent and model effective relationship skills with other people.

Here is what I think is amazing about that list: two of those three most important practices aren’t even parenting skills, per se, in that they don’t directly affect our children.  Or do they?

We all know that when we are stressed out, our stress spills over, and often makes our children anxious. So stress management skills turn out to be really important for our relationship with our children, and also our children’s happiness and school success!

So too with our relationship with our children’s other parent, whether or not we are romantically involved, as well as our relationship with a romantic partner (if it isn’t the other parent). It’s true: little is more important than maintaining and improving the relationships we have with our partners and co-parents.  Like most parents, I try to model positive relationship skills for my for my children; all this great new science related to what happy couples do is helpful in knowing how to grow the love in my life.

Epstein and Fox’s study found another thing to be true: that parenting education can improve our parenting, and therefore our children’s outcomes.  Epstein writes: “Our data confirm that parents who have taken parenting classes produce better outcomes with their children than parents who lack such training and that more training leads to better outcomes.”

To that end, I have a class to offer you: sign up for my Rekindling Romance online class.  This class focuses on building a foundation for a passionate, long lasting, and joyful romance. Take the class in the comfort of your own home at your leisure.  For more information or to register, click here.

When my brother was getting married, I inundated him with the science of happily married couples. I wanted to give him a guide to not making the mistakes I had made. My “best woman” toast was very nearly a litany of advice.

It was a bit much for him. “Why would I listen to my DIVORCED sister when it comes to managing my marriage?” he once teased, trying (in vain) to shut me up.

Well, given what I’ve learned about happy marriages, I think there a few good reasons to listen to me—more on that in a minute—but first, I gotta be straight with you: I was not particularly good at being married the first time around. I picked a terrific person—my ex-husband is a great guy—who was totally wrong for me in just about all the ways that count.

I try to practice what I preach, and that means practicing some things that I definitely haven’t mastered yet (like using non-controlling language when I ask my kids to do things).

This is how people get good at things: They challenge themselves to the point of failure. Athletes do it. Entrepreneurs do it. Personally, I’m working on being a gold-medal parent and spouse. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t lost some races along the way. I made a few key mistakes in the ten years I was married to my children’s father, from which I’ve learned a lot.

But the main reason to take my relationship advice is that it really isn’t MY advice. Everything I write about is based not on my opinion, or even my experience, but on what scientific studies tell us. I’m still amazed by how insular academia is; there is so much great research out there that doesn’t make its way into real people’s lives—except for you, because you are reading this blog.

Here is one of my favorite things that researchers have noticed that happy couples do: They yell things like “WHOO-HOO!!!” when their partner shares good news.

There are two key pieces of advice to take away from that finding. The first is that when you have good news, share it, because it will make you happier. This is Savoring 101: Positive emotions are amplified when we share them with others.

The second piece of this advice concerns how to respond to good news from your partner, and it’s a key to making your relationship happier.

When your partner shares positive news with you, you don’t actually have to whoop or cheer, as my mother and I are prone to do, but you do need to respond enthusiastically. It isn’t enough to be positive and loving —but not particularly emotive—with your partner. Your response to good news needs to be active. Silent support doesn’t count in this realm.

Another bonus is that enthusiastic responses—such as a partner who says “I’m really happy for you!”—make people feel even better about the event or news that they are sharing, and it puts the sharer into a better mood.

Couples who make a big deal celebrating positive things in life score higher than others on intimacy and relationship satisfaction. They are also less likely to break up.

So pop open a bottle of champagne when that hard-earned promotion comes, take a walk together to celebrate a particularly wonderful day, jump up and down a little—and hug—when your partner reaches their exercise goal.

And what about when things go wrong and the news isn’t so good? Still, be very responsive. Make sure that your partner feels understood, that their abilities and opinions are valued, and that you’ve made them feel cared for.

I’ve learned that small tweaks in the way we behave with our partners can make all the difference in the world. What small tweaks have improved your relationship?  What types of things do you celebrate, and how do you do it?

References:

Gable, Shelly L., Gian C. Gonzaga, and Amy Strachman, 2006, “Will You Be There for Me When Things Go Right? Supportive Responses to Positive Event Disclosures”, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91 (5), 904–917.

Gable, Shelly L., and Natalya C. Maisel, 2009, “The Paradox of Received Social Support: The Importance of Responsiveness” Psychological Science, 20(8), 928-932.

Parker-Pope, Tara, 2010, For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, New York: Dutton.

Fish