I’m always struck by our willingness as mothers to take care of our children—and often their fathers and a host of others around us—before we take care of ourselves. Just off the heels of holiday hustle and bustle, parents at my kids’ school are planning and executing the spring fundraisers, gearing up for teacher appreciation day, and writing letters to address measures related to school funding. They are tired.

Calling run-down parents everywhere: let’s all take the advice of the airlines and put on our own oxygen masks first before helping those around us. I’m not saying don’t help those around you, but rather that should you become faint from lack of oxygen, you won’t be much good to anyone at all. Speaking for myself, I’ve found that a certain core of peace and centeredness is necessary before I can really get engaged in raising happy, compassionate, and altruistic children.

Here’s why:

1. If we get depressed, it may affect our children adversely. An extensive body of research has established a substantial link between depressed mothers and “negative outcomes” in their children, like acting out and other behavior problems. Parental depression actually seems to cause behavior problems in kids: it bothers kids to see their parents upset and unhappy, and they express this by behaving badly. Depressed parents also demonstrate poorer parenting skills, and so are less likely to correct bad behavior in constructive ways. Depressed mothers tend to be less sensitive and proactive in responding to their children’s needs, and are less likely to play with their children in emotionally positive ways. Kids with chronically depressed mothers—mothers whose feelings of sadness and despair persist—perform more poorly on school readiness tests, use less expressive language, and have poorer social skills. And it isn’t just depression: anxiety in mothers (something I’m prone to) is associated with increased anxiety in children.
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2. The reverse is also true: when we do what it takes to be happy ourselves, our children reap the benefits. Kids mimic their parents, especially when they are younger. Children imitate their parents’ emotions as early as 6 days old; it is one of the primary ways that they learn and grow. So if we model happiness—and all the skills that go with it—our kids are likely to behave in the same way. If I model a key happiness habit like kindness and generosity, for example, my daughters are more likely to become kind and generous. And because research shows that people’s emotions tend to converge—we become more similar emotionally the more we are together—it follows that the happier I am, the happier my children will be. Dacher Keltner and his colleagues ran an interesting series of experiments that show that people in close relationships become more similar to each other over time. The studies showed that the emotions and emotional reactions of friends and lovers actually become more alike over the course of a year (Anderson, Keltner & John, 2003). Another study, attempting to determine the degree to which shared genetics dictate similar emotional outlooks in parents and children, came up short: while they did find that happy parents are statistically more likely to have happy children, they couldn’t find a genetic component. Like roommates and lovers, the emotions of children and parents can be very similar, but not because they are cut from the same cloth, so to speak.
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3. Emotions in general are just plain contagious. A political scientist from the University of California, San Diego and a Harvard sociologist have recently documented that happiness is particularly contagious. Their conclusion, which is based on an analysis of people’s social connections over 20 years, is that our happiness depends on the happiness of those around us. Having happy friends, neighbors, and siblings that live in close proximity to you increases your odds of being happy—the positive emotions of one community member clearly spread to others (Fowler & Christakis, 2008).
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So it turns out that the first step in the science of raising happy kids is to actually be happy yourself. This week: tell us what YOU do to put your own oxygen mask on first. What makes you happy? Do your kids seem happier when you are happy?

Need a little help finding your own happiness? Check out my Love Your Life: Finding Happiness as a Parent online course to learn how and why to resist the urge to always put the needs of your children before your own.

Here’s how to stay strong through January (or get back on track if you’ve started to slip)

Did you make a resolution this year that will bring you more health and happiness? If so, good for you! Just the act of making a New Year’s resolution makes you 10 times more likely to bring about positive changes in your life.

But of course, to reap all the benefits of your resolution, you’ve got to follow through on it—and that’s always the trickiest part. Fortunately, research on resolutions offers some helpful tips for turning resolutions into reality. Here are some key insights from this research, divided into categories that reflect the range of post-New Year’s resolution states.

If you made New Year’s resolutions, but you haven’t acted on them yet…

1. Pare down your list of resolutions to just one easy thing. Science clearly suggests that you have a limited supply of willpower each day, and unless you are doing nothing other than keep your resolutions, you probably don’t have the psychological will you need to deal with your life AND keep up with a long list of lofty resolutions. Better to aim a little lower but then actually accomplish something. What one small thing do you want to do differently this year?

2. Be really specific about what you’d like to achieve. John Norcross, a University of Scranton researcher who has studied New Year’s resolutions for the last 30 years, says “If you can’t measure it, it’s not a very good resolution.” Maybe you resolved to get more exercise, and you haven’t really done much on this front. In that case, specify how you will get more exercise—e.g., resolve to take the stairs every morning and evening, or to go to the gym twice a week.

3. Pre-commit to your resolutions. Like Odysseus chaining himself to the mast while sailing past the Sirens, sometimes we need extreme measures to keep ourselves from temptation. Yale researchers created a website where you can make a contract with yourself to keep your resolution (stickK.com). I love this website, and recommend it highly. On stickK, you can even name a referee who will enforce financial penalties if you stray from your resolution—and if you do find such an enforcer, evidence suggests, you dramatically increase your odds of success.

If you had a strong start, but you are starting to falter…

1. Remember that there is a world of difference between lapse and relapse. A lapse is a small slip in behavior, and nearly everyone has them. Most people slip here and there a lot in January. A relapse is a full fall: You give up, you go back to your pre-resolution behavior.

If you’ve had a few slips, ask yourself why. What can you learn from your mistakes? Were you on vacation? (That’s always hard.) Do you not have a specific enough plan for how to fulfill your resolution? What temptation or situation should you avoid in the future? Remember: Lapses are to be expected. They are a part of the process. Don’t freak out or give up if you have a bad day here or there.

2. Beware the “what the hell effect.” It’s really important not to let a temporary lapse become something bigger than it is. Say you’ve sworn off sugar, but one morning you eat a pie for breakfast. You’re at risk for what researchers formally call the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE), and jokingly call the “what the hell effect.” If you’ve already blown your diet today, why not go hog wild? What the hell—you can begin again tomorrow, right?

Wrong. The more damage you do during your binge, the more likely you are to slip again the next day, and the less confidence you’ll have in yourself that you can change. As soon as you notice a slip, try the following to avoid getting to that “what the hell” moment:

● Forgive yourself. Remind yourself that lapses are a part of the process, and that feeling guilty or bad about your behavior will not increase your future success. (In fact, self-criticism actually decreases future success.)

● Rededicate yourself to your resolution (now, in this instant, not tomorrow). Why do you want to make the changes that you do? How will you benefit? Do a little deep breathing and calm contemplation of your goals.

● Make a plan for the next time you will face a similar challenge. What will you do differently? How will you avoid the temptation in the future? What have you learned from your slip?

3. Step up your pre-commitments. See number 3 on the previous list—and figure out what you need to pre-commit to more fully!

If you are keeping your resolutions, and you’re looking strong…

Good for you! See your progress as evidence of your commitment, values, and routines—not necessarily as evidence that you’ve become a better person. Often when we are doing really well, we feel so good about ourselves we relax our vigilance and unknowingly set ourselves up for a slip. We can prevent a slip AND feel good about ourselves by consistently re-committing to our resolutions.

Most importantly, persist. This week is an important one for resolvers, according to resolution researcher John Norcross. If you can keep your resolution for the rest of January, you’ll be much more likely to end the year still keeping your resolution. Best of luck!

If you’re just getting around to starting your new habit, my online resolutions Cracking the Habit Code is available for free through the end of this month.   Hurry, after that we will only offer the premium version for purchase.

What did you resolve this year? How is it going?