Neuroscience can explain why your kids have the holiday gimmees.

I’ll never forget a holiday moment a few years ago, when I found myself in a negotiation with my younger daughter over her gift list. (Which, by the way, I don’t believe in. In theory, I’ve never wanted my kids to make lists of things they want for Christmas and Hanukkah. But we did “go see Santa” when they were younger, and they did prepare to ask him for a gift, so I’ve never really put my money where my mouth is.)

Anyway, my daughter was in the back of the car rattling off all the things she wanted for Christmas, excitedly, as though it were a done deal and she would soon be receiving everything she ever hoped for. And I was anxiously trying to do damage control:

Santa only brings one toy (“Nah-ah, Mom, he brought Ella THREE last year!!”); Santa can’t bring live animals (she passionately wanted a live llama); if your grandparents get you Uggs instead of Payless knock-offs, you won’t get any other presents from them (economic logic lost on a seven-year-old).

I thought I was going to lose my mind. I’d been trying to create special holiday traditions that foster positive emotions like gratitude and altruism—traditions that would bring meaning, connection, and positive memories. And it all seemed to be falling on deaf ears. My children had wish-lists longer than they were tall.  Even my parents were fighting me on going to church Christmas Eve, because they thought it would cut into the gift exchange.

I know I’m not alone; nearly all of my coaching clients have expressed similar dismay. So if we don’t want our children to be whipped into a consumer frenzy, and we value other things, why does this happen, year after year?

One answer, of course, is that on some level our society has come to believe that our economy depends on a gift giving extravaganza, and that the holidays wouldn’t be fun without all the gifts. I’ve been reflecting on this, and on the other forces at work this time of year.

Discover the three reasons why we want, want, want so much stuff come the holidays and what we, as parents—and consumers—can do to resist. Read the rest of this article here, on my Greater Good blog.

Because it isn’t always all fun & games

If you are starting to feel over-whelmed by the December holidays, you aren’t alone! In my last holiday-related Greater Good Science Center Raising Happiness video, I give three tips for making the holidays more meaningful than they are stressful.

With Thanksgiving and Hanukkah behind us, but Christmas, Kwanza, and New Year’s still ahead, many Americans are starting to feel, well, tired during this busy holiday season.

There is good news, though: the holidays really are the best time of the year to foster
the values that matter most.

In the Keep Good Going Report,* a recent survey I helped design, more than 2,000
Americans were asked about the most important things parents can teach their children.
Gratitude, kindness, compassion and manners were at the very top of the list of things
that people said were “extremely important”—far outpacing the value of giving kids
chores, encouraging them to play sports, and even reading to them.

Notably, a large majority of respondents (89%) indicated that society is becoming so
concerned with success that we are forgetting about what is truly important, and that
people are becoming more selfish (86%). Instead of getting caught up in what is going
wrong with our society this holiday season, I recommend that people use the holidays to
boost their happiness—and the happiness of those around them. Here’s how:

1. Start with gratitude. Taking a moment for gratitude is likely to give you a happiness boost and improve the emotional tone of your holiday season.

• Use the holidays as a time to give thanks for people in your life. In our family, we appreciate each other by writing on our dinner table place cards. Before a holiday meal, the kids make giant construction paper place cards for each guest, and as people arrive and mingle, we ask everyone to set aside time to write on the inside of each place card something that they love or appreciate about that person.

• Use this season to consciously weave gratitude into your daily interactions, using the common question “How are you?” as a trigger to practice gratitude.
  Here’s what I mean. Say you run into another parent at the school winter performance. “How’s it going?” she asks. Instead of giving into the temptation to tell her how busy you are, use this common question as a prompt to reflect on something for which you are grateful, then share that thought with the other person. Or keep it to yourself, if you’re feeling shy (or don’t want to seem like you’re bragging).

• Create a gratitude garland (see photo). Hang a ribbon in a doorway, and put a basket of colored paper squares below it, with pens and clothes pins. When guests & family members enter that room, ask them to write something they feel grateful for and hang it up!

2. Simplify. Instead of automatically going into holiday overdrive, take a moment to reflect on what is important to you, and make a plan to simplify your holidays. Here are some steps you can take to do this:

• List holiday-related tasks that are still undone that you think you “should” do (e.g., buying gifts, sending cards, decorating the house, hosting parties, etc.).

• Put a star next to the activities you are looking forward to doing. Put an X next to activities you wish you didn’t have to do.

• Edit your list. Which of these activities can you get away with not doing? What can you do to simplify these tasks? Who can help? What do you want to do more of this year? Consider one thing that probably isn’t on the list: RESTING and relaxing.

3. Remember what matters. ‘Tis the season to help others, and to give our children the opportunity to experience how much better it feels to give than to receive. (It’s true! Research shows that we getting a bigger happiness boost by helping someone else than we do when we are the receiver.)

This year, establish a family tradition that gives kids a chance to give back to their community, or to help others. My kids and I are putting together “care kits” for the homeless people that live near where we’ll go for a big tree lighting and some ice-skating in San Francisco. What matters most are other people, and the ways that we love them. This is the most wonderful time of year for reconnecting with our friends and family, and for telling them what we appreciate most about them.

*I helped design the Keep Good Going Report, which was conducted by Mathew Greenwald & Associates on behalf of New York Life.

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”
―Fred Rogers

Hat tip to Brené Brown for sharing this quote.

We are all heartbroken and sending love to the families in Connecticut. Lots of folks looking for resources to help know what to say to kids.  Here are a few links that I like:

– Brené Brown’s list (and approach) on her Ordinary Courage blog.
– This New York Times article for talking to kids about the disaster.